jesswongton

I just feel like I'm so tired.
I don't feel like I have much energy.
I've been avoiding, ignoring and acting brave.
I don't know how much longer I can put up with this.
Music really made me happy for the past few days.
However, music can't always be my drug.
I feel lonely.
I tried , but nothing happened.
I give up too easily.
I would try again, but it is hard to build up the courage.
I am just scared to walk up.
I am scared.
I really want to improve,but all I can do is sit back.
I'm always on the side watching.
It might just even happen that no one will notice me.
I guess it is alright, since I didn't try.
I really feel like crying.
Drowning myself in a large large pool of tears.
Maybe when I float back to surface, I will learn to smile again.
No one was born with a smile, nor with a frown.
The neutralness... is just too simple.

WHAT IS THE SHORTEST TIME SPAN FRIENDS CAN BE?
IN CONTRAST.. WHAT IS THE LONGEST TIME?
WILL WE ALWAYS BE FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER?
IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL HOLDING ON AND NEVER LETTING GO?
IS THAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO?
EVERYONE HOPES THEY CAN BE FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER
BUT SOMETIMES THAT JUST DON'T WORK.
THERE ARE JUST TIMES WHEN YOU DON'T SEE IT OR DON'T REALIZE IT
OR EVEN YOU JUST REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS SLOWLY
SLIPPING AWAY. WHO KNOWS IF IT IS FOR THE BETTER OR FOR THE WORSE?
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF FRIENDS? WHERE ARE THE BOUNDARIES?
WHAT ARE THE MINIMUM TO A FRIENDSHIP WHEN JUST IN BETWEEN MERELY
ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS? IF THERE WERE SUCH THING... PERHAPS I AM ONLY LEFT
WITH 4 FRIENDS AND TONS OF ACQUAINTANCES.. AND MILLIONS OF STRANGERS.
ITS HARD TO CATCH UP WITH EVERYONE AT THE SAME TIME WHILE YOU TRY TO
BALANCE YOUR OWN LIFE. I FIND EVERYTHING FRUSTRATING.. AND TIMES I JUST WANT TO
BE LEFT ALONE AND THINK ABOUT MY OWN LIFE. HOWEVER AT THE SAME TIME,
IM MISSING OUT ON MY FRIENDS LIFE AND SOON THAT TURNS INTO A MISSED OUT EVENT
AND THEN YOU AND THE PERSON FEEL BAD THAT YOU BOTH ARE NOT CAUGHT UP.
IT JUST COMES IN MIND HOW THERES THREE PEOPLE AND 2 PEOPLE TALK BUT THE THIRD ONE
HAVE NO CLUE ON WHAT THEY ARE SAYING, SO THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT JUST SIT THERE
AND LOOK LIKE EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT, ESPECIALLY THEY ARE LEFT OUT AND THEY
HAVE TO COVER THAT FACT WELL. IS IT THE RIGHT THING TO ASK WHATS GOING ON
OR JUST PRETEND YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING. ALSO AT TIMES, EVEN IT SEEMS THAT ALL THREE
OF THEM ARE FRIENDS, BUT THEY ARE EACH OFF ON THEIR OWN LITTLE WORLD THINKING
OF THEIR OWN LITTLE SECRET THAT NONE OF THE OTHER TWO KNOWS OF.
WHAT MAY SEEMS ONE WAY MAY ALSO BE THE OTHER. LOOKS ARE DEFINITELY DECEIVING.

AHH.. PERHAPS IM TURNING A LITTLE MORE DEPRESSED THAN I THOUGHT.
MUSIC : PROMISE YOU - ANYBAND [BOA, XIAH JUNSU, TABLO, BORA]
POINT OF THIS SONG THAT MADE ME FEEL GOOD WAS
THE HIGH SPIRIT AND THEIR ONE LINE...
ENJOY YOUR LIFE ~ ! ~ ! ~ !

HMM... IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I LAST LOGGED ELECTRONICALLY -________-
 I'M STARTING TO TALK TO MYSELF BAD THING , 
PERHAPS A SIGN OF MY INSANITY? 
BUT SERIOUSLY... CAN THIS ALSO BE CALLED AS A DIARY?
 WELL... IF THIS DIARY HAD FEELINGS... 
IT MUST'VE BEEN LONELY AND PROBALBY MAD AT ME. !!!! XD
THERE I GO AGAIN... I THINK IM SERIOUSLY TURNING CRAZIER BY THE MOMENT... 
SIGH... SOO... LETS RECALL THE YEAR AND A HALF THAT PAST 
GRAUDATED. SUMMER. MOVED. MORE SCHOOL. GRADUATED AGAIN.SUMMER. 
FINALLY IN HIGH SCHOOL. WHIPPEEE!!! NOT. -_____-" T
HERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU JUST WISH FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN BUT THEY NEVER COME TRUE.
BUT FOR OTHER WISHES, IT COMES TRUE AND YOU REGRET IT.  

SO... OVER THE PAST YEAR, I LOST A BUNCH OF FRIENDS.
 WELL PERHAPS YOU CAN'T SAY I  LOST THEM... 
JUST THAT WE HARDLY TALK. 
ITS SAD AND LONELY. 
ON THE OTHER HAND, I PROBABLY BECAME MORE QUIETER THAN EVER. 
TOTALLY OPPOSITE TO WHAT I WISHED FOR. 
BUT THEN AGAIN, I CAN'T BLAME ANYONE FOR THIS RIGHT? 
IT SHOULD BE TIME FOR ME TO MEET NEW PEOPLE, 
WELL I TELL THAT TO MYSELF FOR LIKE THE HUNDREDTH TIME ALREADY, 
BUT I JUST DON'T PUT IT IN ACTION. I WONDER WHY. 
HMM... I GUESS BECAUSE I MAKE THINGS MORE AWKWARD THAN IT ALREADY IS? 
YEA... I GUESS THAT IS THE REASON, 
LETS SEE THE REASONS WHY I HATE TALKING. 
- I MAKE THINGS AWKWARD 
- IT SEEMS THAT I CAN'T OPEN MY MOUTH 
- I CAN'T SAY THE RIGHT THING? 
- I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY? 
- I'M SCARED OF WHAT PEOPLE SAY? 
- I ENJOY LISTENING MORE THAN TALKING 
- I GOT TOLD OFF BEFORE 
- I TEND TO LEAVE MY SENTENCE HANGING... 
- I HAVE AWKWARD SILENCE 
- I DON'T THINK MY TOPICS ARE INTERESTING ANYWAYS 
- I JUST DON'T SEEM TO FIT IN
- PROBABLY MORE... BUT I'LL LEAVE IT THERE. 
SO... PERHAPS THOSE REASONS ALSO LEAVE ME TO MY LOW CONFIDENCE. 
WELL THERE ARE DAYS WHEN IT DOESN'T MATTER, 
BUT THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I AM JUST SO SELF-CONSCIOUS  

I REALLY MISS THE PAST, I MISS MY OLD FRIENDS. 
NOT THAT MY NEW FRIENDS AREN'T GOOD, BUT I MISS MY OLD SELF.
 I REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I WOULD STICK IN CONTACT 
BUT... I DON'T THINK IM KEEPING MY PROMISE 
EVERYONE JUST SEEMED TO DRIFT ALONG THEIR OWN PATH EVEN MYSELF... 
ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT PATH IM GOING FOR ME, 
IT IS PROBABLY HARD TO START A CONVERSATION 
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IM PART OF THEIR LIFE ANYMORE 
IT WOULD FEEL AWKWARD IF THEY TALK ABOUT 
THEIR NEW FRIENDS AND I TALK ABOUT MY NEW FRIENDS. 
THE ONLY THING WE PROBABLY WILL EVER TALK ABOUT IS SCHOOL? 
BUT LETS FACE IT... HOW MUCH THINGS CAN YOU EVER SAY ABOUT SCHOOL? 
MAY I SAY THIS A MILLION TIME 
I HATE WHERE I AM NOW IM STILL TRYING TO REJECT THE REALITY, 
BUT REALITY HITS HARD ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN YOUR BED 
AND REALIZE YOU ARE NOT WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. 
EVEN IF I TRY TO MOVE ON, I MISS THAT FEELING A FEELING THAT A LONG FOR... 
I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET THE FEELING THAT TELLS ME, IM SAFE, IT IS MY HOME. 
I JUST CAN'T FIND THAT FEELING TO SAY THIS IS MY HOME.  

HIYY... 
IM PROBABLY GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE A PROBLEMATIC KID WHO NEEDS SOME COUNSELLING.
ANYWAYS,
I PROBABLY SAT HERE FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR ALREADY TRYING TO TYPE EVERYTHING AWAY.
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY ORIGINAL TOPIC. 
ANYWAYS, NOWADAYS I EVEN FIND MYSELF BIPOLAR. 
EVEN I AM STARTING TO BE SCARED OF MYSELF. 
AT HOME, IM MOSTLY QUIET BUT THEN IM LIKE HYPER ACTIVE WITH MY BROTHERS. 
INFACT THEY MAY NEVER SEE THIS, BUT IM SO THANKFUL FOR MY BROTHERS.
EVER SINCE WE MOVED, 
THEY REALLY DEALT WITH A LOT OF THINGS INCLUDING DEALING WITH ME. 
THEY REALLY MADE MY TIME NOT SO HORRIBLE AND 
THEY LISTEN TO MY STUPID REMARKS AND TAKE IT LIGHTLY 
ALTHOUGH IT MEANT TO BE SERIOUS. 
I REALLY THANK THEM FOR BEING THERE. 
BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I CAN'T TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS TO THEM.
I MEAN AFTERALL , THEY ARE GUYS 
IT WILL PROBABLY BE HARD TO PART WITH THEM LATER ON, 
ASSUMING ON HOW I WON`T BE SO SOCIALABLE, 
I MOST LIKELY WON`T GET ALONG WITH THEIR GFS 
SO, LETS COUNT DOWN HOW MANY MORE DAYS UNTIL THEY WILL STAY AND LISTEN TO ME 
RATHER THAN RUN OFF SOMEWHERE WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS. 
OH, WHAT JOY WE HAVE HERE. 
WELL THERES ALWAYS MY MOM AND DAD, 
BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD EVER TALK TO THEM FOR THINGS 
I THINK THEY JUST MAKE MATTERS WORST.
 I THINK IT WOULD MAKE MY MOOD GO DOWN EVEN MORE. 
HEY, BUT IM STILL APPRECIATIVE TO THEM 
ALTHOUGH THEY AREN'T THERE FOR MY PROBLEMS AND 
AT TIMES, THEY CAUSE MY PROBLEMS. 
THERE ARE THINGS I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT, 
BECAUSE I THINK THAT WOULD JUST PUT THEM DOWN AND MAKE MYSELF FEEL HORRIFIC.
SO ...AT TIMES, I GOTTA KEEP IT WITHIN ME  

I THINK FOR NOW, THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME SANE IS MY MUSIC. 
HELL I LISTEN TO KOREAN AND JAP 
BUT I DON`T EVEN UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD. 
HMM.. SO MAYBE THE VOICE AND THE BEAT IS WHAT KEEPING ME ALIVE. 
BUT NOW, IM A WALKING MP3 ZOMBIE WHO IS NEGLECTING SOCIAL INTERACTION.
 OKAY, ICAN`T MAKE MYSELF SOUND ANY BETTER 
SINCE THAT IS SIMPLY THE TRUTH I GUESS NOWADAYS,
 IM SO DEPRESSED, LETS LIST THE REASONS 
- I DIDN`T FEEL GREAT SCHOOL STARTED 
- MY BIRTHDAY SUCKED BIG TIME 
- PEOPLE KEPT APOLOGIZING FOR NOT REALIZING MY BIRTHDAY 
- THE ABOVE REASON MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY 
- MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I CHOSE NOT TO TELL THEM 
- I REALIZED HOW MUCH I MISS TORONTO 
- I REALIZED IM SO MUCH DIFFERENT FROM MY FRIENDS NOW 
- IM NOT BEING SOCIALABLE AT ALL 
- I HAVE SECRETS I CAN`T TELL 
- SCHOOL JUST MAKES EVERYTHING MORE DEPRESSING 
- MY MARKS ARE GOING SKY ROCKET TOWARDS THE GROUND
- I HAVE YET TO CURE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH PARENTS
- I HAVE YET TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO MAKE MY GRANDMA LIKE ME 
- I HAVE YET TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS 
- I HAVE YET TO BE MORE ENERGETIC 
- I KEEP ON HEARING COMPLAINS FROM MY AUNT, GRANDMA, AND PARENTS 
- IM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS, I WILL LOSE MY BROTHERS TO TALK TO 
- I REALLY WANT TO GO TO TORONTO 
- STILL CAN`T DECIDE IF SINGLE IS GOOD OR BAD 
- DON`T KNOW IF I WANT A LOVER OR NOT 
- NEVERMIND THE ABOVE, I CAN`T EVEN HAVE ONE TO BEGIN WITH 
- DO I NEED ONE ANYWAYS. 
- STILL CAN;`T DECIDE IF IM CRUSHING THIS GUY OR NOT 
- CAN`T DECIDE WHAT HE IS THINKING 
- CAN`T FOCUS AT ALL. 
- I HAVE YET TO MAKE FRIENDS 
- I HAVE YET TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO TALK TO SOME PEOPLE 
- I HAVE YET TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO KNOW THESE PEOPEL 
- I HAVE YET TO STOP ENVYING OTHERS 
- I HAVE YET TO STOP BEING DEPRESSED OVERALL 
- LOTS MORE REASONS TO LIST, BUT I DON`T THINK IT CAN HANDLE THAT MUCH 
- ABOVE REASON IS ALSO SOMETHING THAT IS DEPRESSING OKAY,
I REALLY THINK I SHOULD STOP BEING SO DEPRESSED.  

WAIT I DON`T THINK I CAN, TOO MUCH OF A BLACK HOLE 
I HAVE SO MUCH GOING THROUGH MY HEAD RIGHT NOW,
 IM PROBABLY FEELING SO DIZZY, 
WAIT THAT MIGHT BE IM SICK. -_________- I CAN`T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
IF THERE IS SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME READING THIS ESPECIALLY THIS SENTENCE, 
THEN YOU SHOULD REALLY LEAVE A COMMENT REALLY I BELIEVE YOU WITHSTAND A LOT,
I MEAN MY BS YOU SHOULD LEAVE A MARK AND I WILL THANK YOU PERSONALLY =) 
BUT, I ASSUME THERE WON`T BE A PERSON READING THIS TO AN END.
I MEAN, THERE IS TOO MUCH IN LIFE TO STOP AND READ THIS. 
I GUESS IT IS TIME TO RUN ALONG WITH LIFE TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE. 
TIME FOR SUPERGIRLL JESSICA TO THE ACTION!!!!! 
WELL.. THAT WILL BE MY CASE A MILLION YEARS FROM NOW. 
FOR NOW I THINK I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGHT THINGS ON MY HEAD THAT I NEED TO SORT OUT. 

MY ADDICTION-GUM 
MY OBESSION-MUSIC && SEXY VOICES && DRAMAS && HOTTIES
 MY WEAKNESS-GUILTINESS 
MY CURRENT STATE-DEPRESSION 
MY WEAKNESS CAUSE-TEARS 
MY CURRENT STATE CAUSED BY-CONFUSION AND FAILURE.

MY NEWLY MADE UP QUOTE: 
THERE WILL BE A DAY, 
I WILL NO LONGER BE YOUR YESTERDAY 
HOWEVER I WILL BE YOUR TOMORROW. 
有一天，
我不會是你的昨天，
我將會是你的明天。